After wandering around awe struck for about twenty minutes, hit the produce section at the front of the store and select four perfectly pink and pleasantly ripe peaches. Remember, you’re planning to eat these immediately! Unripe, rock solid peaches simply won’t do. They’re grainy and flavorless and a bitch to cut-up with plastic utensils. Your fruit should be firm-to-soft but not mushy. An easy, but often deceiving, way to tell decent peaches is to just smell them. They should smell peachy. Duh. If smell isn’t your strongest sense, gently press your thumb into the flesh. The indentation should hold without bruising the fruit. At $4.99 lb, the organics are pricey but worth it.
Next toss a box of “Two Bite” meringue cookies into your basket but immediately put them back figuring that the other picnic participants will probably be bringing more sweets than savories. It’s a safe bet since decent mass marketed baked goods are always available at your local supermarket and the more high-end stuff is easy to come by in New York.
Bring on the salt! Wander over to the deli counter and wait in line for ten minutes before one of the 500 counter people they have on shift actually decides to look at you. When he/she does and the Burberry wench who walked over not five seconds before tries to cut in line say, “excuse me” once politely. She won’t be paying attention so say it again a little more forcefully. The third time, imagine yourself a viper using words, instead of fatal venom, to kill. When the twiggy bitch finally decides to look over her bony shoulder at you say, “I was next in line.” She’ll be in shock, the counter person will treat you with respect and everyone else in line will whisper comments like, “Sometimes you gotta take the bull by the horns.” It is now your responsibility to know EXACTLY what you want and waste absolutely no time getting it. Order one-half pound each of spicy sopressata and rare Italian roast beef (both at $10.99/lb), sliced. If you feel so inclined, specify thickness. I find that at a specialty store like this, the counter folk tend to know their basics well enough and won’t lead you astray if you remain silent.
OK, so we have our finest meats; now we need our cheeses. While wandering through the store, I overheard some moron utter the phrase; “I hope this place puts Zabar’s out of business.” I wanted to spit Aceto Balsamico in his fat, ignorant face. The cheese selection at Whole Foods is good, but not half as good as Z’s. Sure they’ve got a wide array of pre-cut, work-a-day fromage, as well as a small case of artisanal cheeses from near and far, but they ain’t got no heart. You’ll find what you’re looking for but how’s about what you’re NOT looking for? Today, we’re looking for Saint Andre, a French triple cream cheese similar to Camembert or Brie. Made from cow’s milk and enriched with cream, Saint Andre is known, not surprisingly, for having a high fat content. It is also known for being more easily digestible than other cheeses. Oh come all ye vaguely lactose intolerant! Saint Andre is perfect with fruit and dessert wines, but I find that its subtle flavor and soft cream texture make for a nice compliment to cured meat. There are probably a few “experts” out there wagging swollen fingers at me for this, but I don’t care. The pairing IS a fatty one, but bacon cheeseburgers aren’t exactly lean and they taste like heaven. Since we’re heading to a picnic and not a cookout, I’m nixing the grilled flesh and opting instead for softened creamy cheese, spread onto crusty bread, topped with spicy Italian salami. I believe my wedge of Saint Andre was around $4.63. With your roast beef, you can pair extremely sharp cheddar cheese (but then you’ll have to spend extra cash on a condiment), or something herbed and creamy. There’s a horseradish and scallion goat cheese spread in one of those refrigerated shelving units that’s calling your name. Normally, I would advise against buying cheese spreads but the ingredients checked out and Horseradish goes so very well with roast beef. The spread was $3.99.
You’re going to need bread but don’t go to the bakery counter for it, as the help wants nothing to do with you. Sneaky bastards! They’ve neatly wrapped all of their daily loaves and placed them atop a self-serve display in the middle of the market. Grab one large loaf of ciabatta. At $2.99 per, one will have to suffice. Crusty on the outside with a nice inner sponge, ciabatta is fab for sandwiches. It’s tough enough to stand up to even the toughest of meats, but soft enough to chew without breaking teeth. It also absorbs olive oil like a champ, which is a big bonus since your next stop is the “Olive and Pickles” station. There, you’ll fill a half pint container with oil preserved roasted red and yellow peppers. Sure, the peps might look like slugs but their smoky, sweet flavor will be a nice addition to either sandwich.
It’s now time to hit the checkout and wait to be directed by the line-czar to an available cashier. All told, you will have spent just under forty smackers and you’ll be able to give all 6–7 picnic participants a little taste of everything. Make sure to grab some plastic “silverware” and napkins on your way out.
When you finally manage to locate your friends, hit the blanket and lay it all out there. You’ll be pleasantly surprised to find that you’re not the only person who’s procured cured deli meats. You’ll also be relieved to discover that no one else has brought Saint Andre—a little goes a long way. Incidentally, said cheese will have become conveniently soft during your walk into the dead of Central Park on a warm July afternoon. Make your friends sandwiches by tearing off small hunks of ciabatta and filling as desired. Later, use your plastic knife to easily slice up those juicy peaches. If your Harvard friend has brought travel Scrabble instead of alcohol, make sure to play it hard, fast and dirty. As one of my companions observed, Central Park has the tendency to get rather “amorous” after 3PM. Without the lubricating effects of vino to get you in the mood, you’ll need to rely on something else. Salami, anyone?
